I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
