Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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