Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
