He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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