We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
