Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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