His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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