i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
