Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
