my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
