This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
