ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
