I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
