Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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