I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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