They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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