If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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