Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
