She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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