I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
