dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
