Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
