ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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