Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
