Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
