She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
