I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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