Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
