My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
