Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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