If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my shit smells like andre
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
