they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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