I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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