I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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