I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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