One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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