btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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