areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
