I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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