If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
