Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
