Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
