If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
