I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
