he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
