I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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