I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
no, he came in my armpit
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
