Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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