He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
