Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
