There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
